Kamrā devī dāsī Autobiography Part 9
My name is Kamrā devī dāsī, and this is part 9 of my autobiographical video series.
What happened in the organization of ISKCON is completely tied into world politics, economics, and social structure. The world players and the leaders of the organization are tied up tightly in a very conscious pact, with a very specific agenda. They aim to destroy real religion, and anything good and Godly, including proper family values and a lifestyle based on the practice of pure devotional service to the Supreme Personality of Godhead under the direction of the bonafide spiritual master.
Śrila Prabhupāda told us that that no outside force could destroy ISKCON, that it could only be destroyed from within.
I didn’t realize what I was taking on at the beginning. I was simply trying to bring to the attention of the temple authorities that the Hare Kṛṣṇa school, where my sons were students, was bringing a known pedophile into the staff. I was asked if I valued my life, and shortly after that, one personality, who I have chosen to call “Beast,” shot an arrow at me from a hunting bow that missed my face by inches. As I tried to go up the ISKCON authority system on the pedophile matter, I was constantly told to stop complaining and just cooperate. I soon learned that the players were bigger and more influential than I had ever conceived, and that particular school, and several of the others, had been set up as outposts for nefarious activities, and for actually training the children in these activities, under the guise of being religious institutions.
Śrila Prabhupāda observed with great sadness the developing situation in the organization, even while he was present with us, and said, “After I leave, there will be no protection for the women and children.” Kṛṣṇa spared him, in my opinion, the knowing of how bad it would get. He certainly did not support this.
I was tortured in various ways for trying to stand up for the purity in caring for the children that Śrila Prabhupāda had expected of his followers. The waterboarding and other tortures left me not only traumatized but with chronic sinus and lung problems. There was the other physical violence, the sexual violence, the “disposable people”, the topmost perversions, the attempts at mental shattering, witnessing the defiling of temple deities, the sodomizing of the murti form of Śrila Prabhupāda, other unspeakable evil things…… Other information is out there about the crimes and the people involved, more will be revealed from other sources in time. I am only summarizing to make some basic points, details are not required from me, they are simply distractions from the main points that I need to make.
On my part, there have been physical health ramifications, but the emotional and psychological wounding has been much deeper. It has been years of healing, and I am blessed with a strong ability to separate my real self from the trauma- induced overlays. The psychological input under duress, things like being told that you are a shameful disciple of Śrila Prabhupāda, you are an unworthy disciple of Śrila Prabhupāda, you are displeasing Śrila Prabhupāda, if you speak up you will be killed, your family will be killed, if you speak up you are responsible for the demise of the movement. Even in the present context, some of my students are criticized like that, even by their peers, that if they speak up, the movement will be finished and that it is their fault. It was a lot of weight to carry, especially with these things being introduced into the psyche at a time of great trauma and dissociation. So much subtle programming, so many influences came in under great duress, experiencing and witnessing so much horror, being forced to participate against your will, the emotional agony of being drugged and dragged into horrific scenes in the early morning hours and then having to go to mangala-arotika like nothing happened, wondering if you’ll come out of this one alive or not physically maimed, and then “forgetting” all of it just to try to survive, but getting physically more and more ill from the repression. Rage, shame, guilt, pain, desire for self-destruction, depression, on and on, and it gets stored until it all comes to the surface and the healing can begin, if you can face it.
Again, differentiation must be there between the organization and the movement. The movement cannot be contained or owned by any organization. It is a movement of re-awakening God Consciousness, of inviting the Godless members of society to become Godly. The organization was initially created by Śrila Prabhupāda to facilitate that, but if it has become its own worst enemy in the propagation of what it was initially set out to do, it can be abandoned. But we can never abandon the teachings of Śrila Prabhupāda and the lineage of bonafide teachers who preceded him. There are accounts through the history of Vaisnavism where there appeared to be breaks, where the teachings got covered and had to be re-instated in their pure form. It again appears to be such a time.
It’s been an ongoing inner war, knowing with full conviction that what Srila Prabhpada gave is perfect, the solution for all the ills of society, and the deep inner messaging that came in through the actual words of the envious beings and the natural psychological conclusions that would come in under extreme duress, that these beings were his representatives, his followers, at least so-called, and that he must be therefore implicated. The damage could have been very deep, but Kṛṣṇa gave input and encouragement, and I have been able to do what I have needed in spite of the wounding. I have been able to mostly disempower the programmed messages, but others may not have been so fortunate. I still have to fight against the inner messages with my intelligence. Like, witnessing these awful demons chanting in the temple, or during their satanic rituals, and vowing subconsciously, under extreme internal agony, that I will never do anything that they do, even to the point of including the chanting. It has made chanting the holy names very hard sometimes, but I push forward. They did horrible things to Tulasi japa beads, and there is also resistance to chanting on beads due to the associating them with certain horrific events, but I persevere.
As far as the psychological and emotional ramifications, the spiritual ramifications of the torture, the worst were the deeply implanted negative feelings towards Śrila Prabhupāda. I know of many people who have Śrila Prabhupāda lumped in with the atrocities that were committed in his name, and they have not been able to sort out what is real or not real. By Kṛṣṇa’s grace, my intelligence was strong, so I knew better, but the inner battle was excruciating, every day, to differentiate between what was implanted under trauma and what I knew to be true. Even now, when I pray to Śrila Prabhupāda, I hear the Beast’s voice in the background saying “He can’t save you, he can’t help you.” It is a recall from being tortured by them and calling out to Śrila Prabhupāda in that situation and having him gloat at his perceived power and saying those things and laughing. Evil monsters.
I had to deal at a very deep level with associating Śrila Prabhupāda with the abuse because of the messaging that had come in with the various traumatic events involving his so-called representatives. There was a lot of stored rage, things coming out that had not been able to be processed before, I have sat and cursed, what (the F—) have I joined, and so on, in deep grief and crying lots of tears. I asked Kṛṣṇa why I had stored that for so long, why I had to be affected in that way, and He said that I needed to see how deep the infiltration had gone, to be able to apply my anger rightfully, to “turn over the tables of the money changers” in a sense.
In one of their torture sessions, one of the creatures in devotional dress grabbed my neck, drove his fingers into my back, threw me on the floor and told me to “grovel.” “Grovel at our feet, grovel before us.” I didn’t do it then, I don’t do it now, and I never will. I still have a lump in my back where his fingers dug in.
Kṛṣṇa showed me my partnership with Śrila Prabhupāda many times. Kṛṣṇa was so kind, so especially merciful, that He even showed me my relationship with Śrila Prabhupāda in the spiritual world and it gave me the perspective, the proper and eternal default mode, as I dealt with the painful healing from what had transpired. It is that knowingness, the reality that I hold deeply in my heart, it is my constant reminder of what I am doing here.
By Kṛṣṇa’s grace, I am surrounded by a small group of lovely, pure-hearted and introspective devotees who chant the holy names with such enthusiasm that my heart remains open and receptive and enthusiastic to share what is real. I would be lost without them. May Kṛṣṇa continue to empower them. We have been the objects of vicious untruths by those who find us to be threats to the status-quo, but we go on. The real mission of Śrila Prabhupāda is our life and soul, and without his mission, our life is purposeless. That was our intent in developing the websites PurelyPrabhupada.com, PurelyPrabhupada.org, and PurifyMyLife.com. Please visit.